


The Hobbit: The Radio Spoof Edition

by Hobbit4Lyfe



Category: The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-12
Updated: 2015-11-12
Packaged: 2018-05-01 07:30:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 32
Words: 5,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5197502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hobbit4Lyfe/pseuds/Hobbit4Lyfe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My sister and I cowrote this. I edited this and my friends and I added commercials to it when we were working on radio shows in my theater class my first year of high school. Moved from FanFiction.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Scene 1: Outside Bilbo's Home

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Hobbit: The Stuffed Animal Edition](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5195147) by [Hobbit4Lyfe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hobbit4Lyfe/pseuds/Hobbit4Lyfe). 



Scene 1- Outside Bilbo’s Home  
Gandalf is introduced. Bilbo suggests Gandalf comes back the following Friday.  
Bilbo is sitting outside of Bag End, his home. Gandalf walks up.  
Gandalf: Ah, the Shire! I haven’t been here in years!   
Bilbo: It’s probably changed since you were last here, Mr… uh… sorry, I don’t think I caught your name there, sir.  
Gandalf: You should very well know who I am, Bilbo Baggins. I’m Gandalf!  
Bilbo: Gandalf!? I haven’t seen you in forever! Now, I’m really busy, so I should be leaving now. Hope to see you again soon, Gandalf. How about tea on Friday?   
Bilbo goes inside.  
Bilbo: (From inside.) Tea on Friday! Why on earth did I say that?  
Gandalf: Whatever you say, Bilbo. Whatever you say.


	2. Ad: Timon and Pumbaa's African Safari

Timon and Pumbaa’s African Safari Travel Agency  
Written by Hobbit4Lyfe  
Timon: Do you want to go on an adventure?  
Pumbaa: Yeah!  
Timon: Not you, Pumbaa!  
Pumbaa: Sorry!  
Timon: Then, come to Africa on…  
Both: Timon and Pumbaa’s African Safari!  
Pumbaa: You can go on a wonderful tour of Africa! You’ll be able to go to a majestic jewel in the Sahara and see all the flora and fauna! So, please talk to your travel agency to reserve your trip today!  
Announcer: (Fast-speed disclaimer.) Your travel agency is not responsible if you are eaten by a lion, panda, sea monster, koala, penguin, or any other man-eating animal.


	3. Scene 2: Tea on Friday

Scene 2- Tea on Friday  
The dwarves and their dilemma are introduced.  
Bilbo: (Narrating.) So, Gandalf was coming back the following Friday and I wasn’t ready. I was rushing, which I don’t normally do, when there was someone at the door. Thinking it was Gandalf, I opened it.  
A knock at the door is heard.  
Bilbo: Hold on already!   
He opens the door.  
Fili and Kili: Fili and Kili at your service!  
They go inside.  
Bilbo: Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. Where’s Gandalf?!  
Bilbo closes the door. There is another knock.  
Bilbo: Oh good! Gandalf, I hope!  
Bilbo opens the door. Oin and Gloin step in. Ori, Dori, and Nori sneak past Bilbo.  
Oin and Gloin: Don’t forget us! Oin and Gloin at your service, too!  
Bilbo starts to close the door when Balin and Dwalin appear through the door.  
Bilbo: Two more dwarves “at my service,” right?  
Balin and Dwalin: Yes. Balin and Dwalin.  
Bilbo closes the door. The dwarves are rummaging around in one of his many pantries.  
Bilbo: Hey! What are you doing?! Get out of there! Oh, look out the window. More dwarves!  
Bilbo opens the door as one dwarf tries to get in, but is stuck.  
Bombur: A little help, here!  
Bifur and Bofur push as Bilbo pulls.  
Bilbo: Can any of you other dwarves help?  
The other dwarves come and help Bilbo, Bifur, and Bofur. Bombur comes out.  
Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur: Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur…  
Bilbo: Yeah, yeah. At my service. I know. NOW, WHERE’S GANDALF?  
Fili: Yeah, and Thorin too!  
Bilbo: Who’s Thorin?  
Kili: Our leader and friend. You’ll know him when you see him. Now, where are they?  
Thorin and Gandalf come in.  
Thorin: We’re right here.  
Bilbo: So you’re this Thorin person.  
Oin: It’s a good thing you left the door open, Bilbo!  
Bilbo: How do you know who I am? How did Thorin and Gandalf get in here?  
Oin: It was on your door, to answer your first question.  
Gandalf: For your second, the door was wide open!  
Bilbo: Oh. Hold on a minute. Why are (counting) one, two… thirteen dwarves wrecking my hobbit hole?!  
Gandalf: They need you to help them with something. That’s why I brought them here.  
Bilbo: What do they need help with?  
Thorin: A dragon. But, this one is the worst. His name is Smaug.  
Fili: How do you know he’s not a she?!  
Thorin: That’s not the point. Gandalf, could you please close the door? It’s getting chilly in here.  
Gandalf closes the door.  
Thorin: That’s not the point, either. A while back, Smaug completely wiped out the city on the Lonely Mountain, Dale. Smaug then went into the Lonely Mountain and has never come out. Also, he is guarding the most prized possession of my father: the Arkenstone.  
Fili and Kili: TA-DAAA!  
Bilbo: So, what you’re saying is, I have to get this Barkenthingy from a big, scary dragon? With the risk of death?! No way am I doing that!  
He huddles up in a corner of the hallway.  
Thorin: I wasn’t done yet. I was going to say that if you survive getting it and killing Smaug, you’ll get a fourteenth share of whatever he left. Actually, if any of us survive.  
Bilbo: Hear ye, hear ye!  
Dori: (Waking up from dozing off.) What? What’s going on?!  
Bilbo: Even if there is a reward, I’m still not going.  
Thorin: I wasn’t done yet!!! The fourteenth share isn’t what you expect: untold riches beyond your wildest dreams. If you are coming, meet us at the Green Dragon tomorrow at 11 AM. We’ll give you a night to think.


	4. Scene 3: The Journey Begins

Scene 3- The Journey Begins  
Bilbo meets the dwarves at the Green Dragon.  
Bilbo is outside his door.  
Bilbo: Whew! What a night! (Stretches and checks his watch.) Oh no! It’s almost 11! I hope the dwarves haven’t left me!  
Bilbo rushes to the Green Dragon and barely makes it in time.  
Gandalf: Barely made it, Bilbo. (To the dwarves.) Well, we’d better be off.  
Bilbo: I forgot breakfast!  
Thorin: Make it quick.  
Bilbo eats as everyone starts off and finishes fast.


	5. Scene 4: "Are We There Yet?"

Scene 4- “Are we there yet?”  
Oin becomes bored and annoying.  
Oin: Are we there yet?  
Thorin: Oin! You’ve been asking that for the past three hours! For at least the hundredth time, NO!  
Oin: Oh. I thought we’d be there by now. It seemed a lot faster going to Bilbo’s. Are we there yet?  
Thorin: You’ve been asking that for the past three hours! For at least the hundred and first time, NO!  
Oin: Oh. I thought we’d be there by now. It seemed a lot faster going to Bilbo’s. Are we there yet?  
Thorin: You’ve been asking that for the past three hours! For at least the hundred and second time, NO!  
Oin: Oh. I thought we’d be there by now. It seemed a lot faster going to Bilbo’s. Are we there yet?  
Thorin: You’ve been asking that for the past three hours! For at least the hundred and third time, NO!  
Oin: Oh. I thought we’d be there by now. It seemed a lot faster going to Bilbo’s. Are we there yet?  
Thorin: You’ve been asking that for the past three hours! For at least the hundred and fourth time, NO!  
Oin: Oh. I thought we’d be there by now. It seemed a lot faster going to Bilbo’s. Are we there yet?  
Thorin: AAAAAHHHHHH!


	6. Scene 5: A Light in the Dark

Scene 5- A Light in the Dark  
That night in the forest.  
Bilbo: Who are those three dwarves who forgot to introduce themselves?  
Thorin: They’re Ori, Dori, and Nori.  
Bilbo: OK. (Looking around.) Hey! There’s a light up ahead! I’ll go check it out.


	7. Ad: Kangaroo Soap

Kangaroo Soap  
Written by Greg Alvarez  
A guy wakes up, dead tired, and stretches a lot.  
Guy: Oh, man! I gotta get up!  
Magical Japanese Kangaroo Pixie appears. Sound effect: Orbit gum sound (da da-da daaa!).  
Kangaroo: (Lines are said like the Orbit gum lady.) You look tired… and dirty!  
Sound effect: whip.  
Kangaroo: Try this!  
Sound effect: anime sound (hoyo-o-o!).  
Guy: What is it?  
Kangaroo: Kangaroo Soap, magically formulated just for you!  
Guy: I guess I’d better hop in the shower!  
Sound effect: clock ticking.  
Guy: Wow! I feel leaps and bounds better! This soap is marsoapial!  
Announcer: Kangaroo Soap! Jump start your day!


	8. Scene 6: The Troll Cave

Scene 6- The Troll Cave  
A few minutes later. The discovery of trolls, a cave, and a bit of silliness. Or, maybe a lot of silliness  
William: We haven’t had anything decent, or even halfway decent to eat in a month!  
Bert: Yeah, Tom! What William said!  
Bob: AAAHHH! Tom is a troll! I’m scared of trolls! MOMMYYY!!!  
Tom: Bob! You’re a troll, too.  
Bob: Oh! I knew that!  
Tom: (Looking at Bilbo.) Hey! What’s that in the woods?!  
Bilbo accidentally runs into the cave.  
Bob: AAAHHH! It’s another troll!  
Bert: Bob! Get a hold of yourself! Not everything in the world is a troll! For instance… take that, um, thing that’s not a troll over there! (To Bilbo.) Yo! What are you?  
Bilbo: (Thinking about his “mission.”) I’m a bur… (Stopping himself.) a hobbit!  
William: So, you’re a burrahobbit, eh? Burrahobbit…  
William, Bert, and Tom: Get out of our cave!  
Bob: But, you know, it would be nice to have some company…  
Tom: Troll.  
Bob: AAAHHH! Mommy!  
Bilbo doesn’t leave. Tom puts a bag over him.  
Bilbo: (Muffled.) Helphelphelp!  
The dwarves run up to save Bilbo, but end up getting bagged themselves. As the mess goes on, Oin manages not to and runs offstage.  
Oin: (Running away.) Gandalf! Gandalf! Help! Everyone’s been caught by trolls!  
The sun rises. The trolls are turned to stone. Gandalf and Oin walk in and gets everyone except Bombur out of their bags. Bombur gets stuck.  
Bombur: (Muffled.) Help! I’m stuck in this bag!  
Thorin: Oin, Balin, Dori, Bifur, Bofur, and Kili, grab the bag. Gloin, Dwalin, Ori, Nori, grab Bombur’s feet.  
Everyone does so.  
Thorin: Now, pull!  
Everyone pulls. Bombur flies up as everyone flies backwards. Everyone starts saying stuff like “Ow! My head!” or “That hurt!”  
Bombur: (Muffled, since he is stuck in a hole in the top of the cave.) Hitting yourself in the head isn’t as bad as getting stuck on the ceiling! HELP!!!  
Gandalf: What do you see up there?  
Bombur: (Muffled) Shiny stuff.  
Gandalf: What kind of shiny stuff?  
Bombur: (Muffled) And sparkly stuff.  
Gandalf: What kind of sparkly stuff?  
Bombur: (Muffled) OOOHHH! I think it’s gold and silver and diamonds and rubies and emeralds and lots of other stuff like we used to find in Dale!  
Gandalf sneaks away.  
Thorin: So that’s where the stuff we lost on the way to Bilbo’s disappeared to! Trolls took it!  
Bilbo: What can I do to help?  
Kili: Go run into a wall while we get Bombur unstuck again.  
Bilbo: O… kay…  
He starts running into a wall over and over again. Fili and Kili start climbing up the walls and pulling Bombur down. They all fall.  
Fili: Ow! I think I broke my ankle!  
Bilbo: (Running into the wall.) You–ow–broke–ow–your–ankle–ow? That’s–ow–nothing–ow–compared–ow–to–ow–breaking–ow–your–ow–face–ow! Can–ow–I–ow–stop–ow–now–ow?  
Thorin: Yes.  
Bilbo stops and falls over backwards.  
Bilbo: OW!!!  
Gloin: Enough with the “ow-ing!” It’s getting really, really annoying! Kili, why did you make him start running into a wall?  
Kili: He wanted something to do! (Looking around.) Hey! Where’s Gandalf? He was here two minutes ago!  
Fili: (Being seriously lost for a minute.) Where’s who? Who’s Gandalf?  
Kili: Gandalf… You know, the wizard? The one that just disappeared?… We were both there! Good times! (Spacing out.) Good times…  
Gandalf sneaks back into the cave, as if being cued in.  
Fili: You know, that’s a good question! Where is he?  
Gandalf: We have no time to get your items from up there on the roof. We’ve already had too much of a break. Let’s go.  
Thorin: Well, at least he’s back.


	9. Ad: Sky Polo

Sky Polo  
Written by Greg Alvarez and Hobbit4Lyfe  
Based on an Idea from Greg Alvarez  
Contestant 1: Are you ready?  
Announcer: Is a swimming pool not extreme enough for you?  
Contestant 2: Yeah! Are you ready to jump?  
Announcer: Are you tired of normal, boring sports like midget tossing and handgun juggling?  
Contestant 1: All right! Let’s do it!  
Sound effect: screaming as contestants jump.  
Announcer: New, from the people who brought you “Dodgeball,” the most extreme sport of Obscure Sports Quarterly… Sky Polo! 12 contestants jump out of an airplane, blindfolded, and play a game of Marco Polo. Watch it, see it, believe it, here on ESPN 8: the ocho!


	10. Scene 7: Outside Rivendell

Scene 7- Outside Rivendell  
A few days later. The home of Elrond, an elf.  
Gandalf: Here we are. Rivendell.  
Bilbo: Wow! I think this is the farthest I’ve been from home!  
Balin: Of course it is, you dolt!  
Bilbo: I’m not an idiot!  
Balin: I didn’t call you one!  
Bilbo: Well, you called me a dolt, which is a synonym for an idiot!  
Balin: Good point. Anyway, let’s shut up now.  
Oin: These arguments are getting old, really fast.  
Gloin: There has only been one – Bilbo and Balin’s!  
Oin: I count three!  
Gandalf: We don’t have time for this…  
Gloin: (Ignoring Gandalf.) There was not three! I don’t count three! Only one!  
Gandalf: We really don’t have time for this…  
Oin: (Ignoring Gandalf.) There was the troll one, the Bilbo/Balin one, and now this one!  
Gloin: That’s two, not three!  
Oin: It’s three!  
Gandalf: Like I was saying when you two were ignoring me, we really, really don’t have time for this! Everyone be quiet before we go inside!  
Gandalf knocks on the door.


	11. Scene 8: Inside Rivendell

Scene 8- Inside Rivendell  
A few minutes later. Two minutes inside Elven paradise.  
Bilbo, Gandalf, and the dwarves are inside an open hall. Elrond enters.  
Elrond: Welcome to Rivendell. I am Elrond, owner of all the elves!  
Gandalf: Owner of all the elves?  
Elrond: OK. Maybe that part isn’t true, but the rest is!  
Bilbo: Wow!  
Elrond: Anyway, which one is Bilbo?  
Gandalf: He’s the hobbit. The other thirteen are dwarves.  
Elrond: As a reminder, what is the difference between hobbits and dwarves… in case I ever run into any more hobbits and/or dwarves?  
Bilbo: Hobbits are smaller than dwarves. And they have really fuzzy feet.  
Gandalf: What he said.  
Elrond: Now, you must be on your way.  
Gloin: But we just got here!  
Elrond: (Kind of spacey.) It does not matter. You are reaching the most dangerous part of your journey. You must go through Mirkwood. It is not the fastest way to the Lonely Mountain, but it is the least troublesome. When you are there, you will come across a river. Do not drink from it. Do not even touch it. You will fall asleep for a long time. (Back to normal.) Goodbye!


	12. Ad: Click 2: Rewind Button

Click 2: Rewind Button  
Written by Hobbit4Lyfe   
Announcer: Michael Newman’s life changed with the push of a button. Now, he is wondering about the man who gave him that power.  
Clip from the movie.  
Michael: (Taking the Universal Remote Control out of the trash.) Hmmm… Who exactly is that Morty guy, anyway? Maybe this Universal Remote Control thingy does have a good purpose…  
Movie Clip 2.  
Morty: You see, this is what happens when you meddle with time! Didn’t you learn that the last time?  
Michael: What’ll happen to me now?  
Morty: I don’t know. You probably wouldn’t have been born in the first place!  
Announcer: “Click 2: Rewind Button…” coming soon to theaters! This film is not yet rated.


	13. Scene 9: Mirkwood

Scene 9- Mirkwood  
Inside the forest.  
Fili: I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all. Where’d Gandalf run off to this time?  
Bilbo and the dwarves in a forest. They approach a river.  
Bilbo: OK. We’ve been walking in here for two days. Gandalf isn’t here. We’re coming close to that river. Now what?  
Thorin: Look! The river isn’t that wide! But it still may be deep. (Looking around.) Let’s use that boat over there!  
Everyone walks up to the bank of the river.  
Thorin: O… kay… It’s wider than I thought. Anyway, there’s fourteen of us. First, we’ll put the smallest of us in the boat. Then Bombur will go. Then, we’ll go in twos. Which means Ori, Dori, and Nori go first.  
They cross the river and send the boat back.  
Thorin: Then Bombur…  
He cross the river and sends the boat back.  
Thorin: Then Bifur and Bofur…  
They cross the river and send the boat back.  
Thorin: Then Fili and Kili…  
They cross the river and send the boat back.  
Thorin: Then Oin and Gloin…  
They cross the river and send the boat back.  
Thorin: Then Balin and Dwalin…  
They cross the river and send the boat back.  
Thorin: Now, last but not least, Bilbo and myself.  
They cross the river.  
Fili and Kili: We’ll go get the stuff we left on the other bank!  
Bilbo: What stuff?!  
As the two dwarves come back, the boat sinks. At the last second, Bilbo pulls the drowning dwarves out of the water.  
Bilbo: Oh, great! We nearly lost two dwarves to some mysterious and probably pointless stuff! And, of course, they fell asleep, like Elrond said!  
Oin: What was that stuff, anyway?  
Thorin: They probably recovered some of the stuff from the troll cave. Oh well. There’s a lot more in of it in Dale.  
Goblins sneak up and drag everyone into caves inside a nearby mountain.


	14. Scene 10: Inside the Caves

Scene 10- Inside the Caves  
Inside the caves of the Misty Mountains.  
Bilbo: Where am I? (Looking around.) Hey! Is that a ring? (Walks up to it.) It is! I think I’ll keep it in my pocket… even though I don’t think I have a pocket. (Puts the ring away.) I think I’ll go explore.  
He starts walking around.


	15. Scene 11: Gollum's Cave

Scene 11- Gollum’s Cave  
Gollum’s cave lake. (Stupid) Riddles, rings, and escapes.  
There is a cave lake. Gollum is sitting on a little “island.” Bilbo walks in and hears Gollum making noises.  
Bilbo: Hello? Who’s there?  
Gollum: (Screaming. Note that Gollum has a hissy voice.) My precious! It’s gone forever!  
Loud wailing is heard.  
Bilbo: Uhhh… o… kay… Can you help me find my way out of here?  
Gollum: Do you have it?  
Bilbo: Have what?  
Gollum: My precioussssssss!  
Bilbo: Uhhh… no!  
Gollum: I will show you the way out of here if you play a little riddle game.  
Bilbo: OK. I guess. You go first.  
Gollum: What’s black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white and red?  
Bilbo: A newspaper rolling down a hill. My turn. I run all day, but the only parts of me that move are my hands. What am I?  
Gollum: A clock. What is bigger whenever you have less in it?  
Bilbo: A hole. What do I have in my pocket? To be fair, three guesses.  
Gollum: A string?  
Bilbo: No, but a string could come in handy.  
Gollum: Air?  
Bilbo: It could be, but it isn’t.  
Gollum: A thing… or nothing!  
Bilbo: No! That was four guesses! It was a trick question! I don’t even have pockets!  
Gollum: I bet you stole my precious!  
Bilbo: What is your “precious?”  
Gollum: What do you have? Is it my precioussss?  
Bilbo: I won’t tell you unless you tell me what your precious is!  
Bilbo puts on the ring.  
Bilbo: (Looking around.) Oh, wow! A sword! (Glancing at his hand.) Oh my gosh! My hand is gone! I must be invisible!  
Gollum jumps at Bilbo and misses.  
Gollum: Where issss he?  
Bilbo: (Quietly.) Well, Bilbo Baggins! Wait until the Shire hears that you can disappear! No. I won’t say a word.  
He runs to the side of the cave.  
Gollum: I can hear him but I cannot see him! Where is he? I’ll go find him.  
Gollum runs off and Bilbo follows him.


	16. Ad: I Believe in Fries (McDonald's Song)

I Believe in Fries (McDonald’s song)  
Written by Tamara Kamara  
I believe in fries  
I believe in Supersize  
Think about it every night and day  
Spread my wings and fly away  
I believe I can soar  
I see me running through McDonald’s dooooor  
I believe in fries  
I believe in fries  
Bada bop bop ba… I’m lovin’ it!  
(Fries)


	17. Scene 12: The Great Goblin

Scene 12- The Great Goblin  
Another cave in the Misty Mountains.  
The dwarves are spread out in front of the Great Goblin.  
Great Goblin: I told you there were fourteen! I want all fourteen! Where is the fourteenth one?!  
Wayne (a goblin): I thought he was with me!  
Great Goblin: Well, go find him, you idiots!  
Gandalf: No you won’t!  
Dwarves: Gandalf! Yay!  
Goblins: Gandalf! No!  
Gandalf and the dwarves escape.


	18. Scene 13: Mirkwood... Continued

Scene 13- Mirkwood… Continued  
The eastern edge of Mirkwood  
Ori: I wish Bilbo was here.  
Nori: Me too.  
Gandalf: If he’s not back by morning, we’ll have to leave without him. Then you’d have to fend for yourselves.  
Bilbo walks up and takes off the ring.  
Dwarves: Bilbo! You’re back!  
Samwise pops up out of nowhere.  
Sam: HI, PEOPLE!  
Dori: Who are you?  
Sam: Uuhhh… never mind. I’ll go away.  
He walks away.  
Thorin: O…kay… Who was that?  
Bilbo: Dunno. Don’t care.  
Gandalf: It’s time to go.  
Bilbo & Dwarves: NOT AGAIN!


	19. Scene 14: More Caves

Scene 14- More Caves  
Bilbo saves the dwarves from their cave prison.  
The dwarves are in “jail cells.” Bilbo has the ring on. There are 14 barrels scattered around.  
Thorin: Bilbo, if you can hear us, please help!  
Two elves come in.  
Elf 1: Well, thirteen of these barrels are empty. The last one has a little bit left.  
Elf 2: Hey! Let’s use up that last bit and have a little drink!  
The two take a little drink. Soon, they fall flat on the floor, snoring very loudly.  
Bilbo: Hey, guys! I’ll steal the keys, get you out, and stuff you in the barrels!  
Nori: Is that our escape plan?  
Bilbo: Yeah! (As unlocking the cells.) Well, at least I’m not a good-for-nothing!  
The dwarves come out of the cells and get stuffed into barrels by Bilbo. Bilbo pushes them through the opening in between the cells.  
Thorin: (As rolling.) Hey! What about… (Now in the water.) you?  
Bilbo: I’ll tell you when we get… wherever!  
He climbs into the last barrel and rolls himself.


	20. Ad: Dependacell

Dependacell  
Written by Ms. Haas’s 2006-07 Drama 1 Class  
Based on an Idea from Greg Alvarez  
Girl: Daddy! Can I pleeeeeease stay out later?  
Dad: Well, honey, you know the rules about that…  
Girl: But, daddy! Pleeeeeease?! I’ll love you forever!  
Awkward silence.  
Girl: Daddy? Daddy? Do I need to come home? Can I stay out? Daddy?  
Announcer: Tired of dropped calls? Then, switch to Dependacell today!


	21. Scene 15: In Front of the Door

Scene 15- In Front of the Door  
Bilbo and the dwarves wait for nightfall.  
Bilbo and the dwarves are sitting outside the secret door to Smaug’s Cave. Bombur, unfortunately, is still stuck in his barrel except for his head, hands and feet.  
Thorin: Too bad we can’t get in until tonight!  
Bilbo: Why not?  
Thorin: I just remembered that it’s Durin’s Day.  
Bilbo: What’s that? And what does that have to do with anything?  
Bombur: Everything! By the way, can you help me get out of here?  
Everyone pulls the barrel off of him.  
Bombur: Thanks. That seriously felt like a corset.  
Awkward silence as everyone stares at him.  
Bombur: Anyway, Durin was a distant relative of Thorin. He made the secret door we are in front of.  
Thorin: And you can only get in at sunset on Durin’s Day.  
Bilbo: So, I guess this means you want me to go in tonight.  
While everyone waits, Bilbo tells the story of how he escaped.


	22. Scene 16: Going In

Scene 16- Going In  
That evening. The door is unlocked.  
Thorin: I have the key to open the door. Bilbo, I’ll unlock it when the time is right. You’ll go in and do your little disappearing act that you told us about this afternoon.  
The sun sets and the door is revealed.  
Dwarves: The door!  
Thorin unlocks it and it opens. Bilbo puts the ring on.  
Thorin: Bilbo! Go in fast!  
Bilbo: I’m going in! Keep the door open!


	23. Ad: Chip Skylark's Greatest Hits Album

Chip Skylark’s Greatest Hits Album  
Written by Megan McGuire  
Inspired by the TV Show “The Fairly OddParents”  
Chip Skylark: (Singing.) Icky Vicky! Ew! Ew! Icky Vicky! Ew! Ew! Ickyyy… Vicky!  
Announcer: New, from Fairy Records, Chip Skylark’s new album, “Chip Skylark’s Greatest Hits!” This CD includes hit singles such as “Icky Vicky” and “My Shiny Teeth and Me!” Call 1-800-555-CHIP in the next 10 minutes and you can get a free music video DVD! Once again, the number is 1-800-555-CHIP!  
Chip Skylark: (Singing.) My shiny teeth and me!  
Backup singers: (Singing.) Shiny teeth, shiny teeth, shiny teeth!  
Chip Skylark: (Singing.) My shiny teeth and me!


	24. Scene 17: Smaug's Cave

Scene 17- Smaug’s Cave  
Bilbo finds the Arkenstone… and Smaug.  
Bilbo walks into a room and sees the Arkenstone. Soon afterwards, he sees Smaug.  
Bilbo: Yay! The Arkenstone!  
Fili and Kili: (From outside.) TA-DAAA!  
Smaug fake snores loudly.  
Bilbo: Oh no! Smaug!  
Smaug: I hear you, burglar. But, I can’t see you. Where are you?  
Bilbo: (Trying to lie.) I’m… on your tail!  
Smaug: (Getting suspicious.) Well, then, you must be very, very light. I cannot feel you on my tail.  
Bilbo jumps.  
Bilbo: Ha! Now I’m off your tail. Now, if you don’t mind, I need to burgle something.  
Smaug: Help yourself. There’s plenty here. Take anything. Anything except…  
Bilbo takes the Arkenstone and runs.  
Smaug: (Screaming with rage.) Darn you burglar! I was in the middle of saying that you can’t take the Arkenstone!  
Fili and Kili: (From outside.) TA-DAAA!  
Announcer: We interrupt this regularly scheduled program to inform you that it is time for the weekly test of the emergency alert system. BEEEEEP! BEEEEEP! BEEEEEP! BOOOOOP! BOOOOP! OW-OOOH-GAH! BEEEEP! BEEEEEP! BEEEEP! Thank you. We shall now go back to the regularly scheduled program.  
Smaug: (Screaming with rage.) Feel the wrath of the Fire of Smaug!  
He blows out a bunch of fire.


	25. Scene 18: Extinguished Butt

Scene 18- Extinguished Butt  
Bilbo returns to the dwarves with the Arkenstone.  
Bilbo comes running out of the door with his butt on fire. He tears the ring off.  
Bilbo: I’m back!  
Thorin: Did you get it?  
Bilbo: No questions until you help me.  
Fili: With what?  
Bilbo: EXTINGUISH MY BUTT!  
Nori: (Grabbing and stopping Bilbo.) First stop!  
Dori: (Pushing Bilbo to the ground.) Then drop!  
Ori: (Rolling Bilbo around.) And roll!  
Bilbo: Enough! Enough!  
Ori stops rolling Bilbo.  
Bilbo: I have the Arkenstone!  
Fili and Kili: AAAH!  
Thorin: Thanks! (Taking it from Bilbo.) Now, all you have to do is kill Smaug!  
Bilbo: I was so freaked out when I first went in that I forgot!   
Bilbo goes back through the door without putting on the ring first.


	26. Ad: Oliver!

Oliver!  
Written by Megan McGuire  
Songs by Lionel Bart  
Fagin: (Singing.) In this life, one thing counts: in the bank, large amounts. I’m afraid these don’t grow on trees. You’ve got to pick a pocket or two. You’ve got to pick a pocket or two, boys; you’ve got to pick a pocket or two.  
Boys: (Singing.) Large amounts don’t grow on trees. You’ve got to pick a pocket or two.  
Announcer: Charles Dickens’ classic tale of a young orphan comes to life in the new musical movie, “Oliver!,” starring Shia LaBeouf as Fagin, Bill Nighy as Bill Sykes, and introducing Neil Scartz as Oliver.  
Orphans: (Singing.) Is it worth waiting for if we live ‘til 84? All we ever get is gruel. Every day, we say our prayer: will they change the bill of fare? Still we get the same old gruel. There is not a crumb, not a crust can we find, can we beg, can we borrow or cadge. But there’s nothing to stop us from getting a thrill when we all close our eyes and imagine… Food glorious food! Hot sausage and mustard! While we’re in the mood, cold jelly and custard! Pease pudding and saveloys! What next is the question? Rich gentlemen have it boys… Indigestion!  
Artful Dodger: (Singing.) Consider yourself at home. Consider yourself part of the family. We’ve taken to you so strong. It’s clear we’re going to get along…  
Announcer: “Oliver!” Coming soon to theaters! This film is rated “G.”  
Boys: (Singing.) And when we’re in the distance, you’ll hear this whispered tune: So long, fare thee well, pip pip, cheerio, we’ll be back soon!


	27. Scene 19: The Death of Smaug

Scene 19- The Death of Smaug  
Bilbo goes back into the cave.  
Bilbo is back in the cave.  
Smaug: Who are you?  
Bilbo: The burglar.  
Smaug: Ha! Now I can see you! Looks like you can’t pull off your trick any longer!  
Bilbo feels around for the ring, which he is holding.  
Bilbo: Oops!  
Smaug: Well, now that you’re here, burgle something else! If you’re in here to kill me, you can’t. I have jewels all over me.  
Bilbo: (Looking at a tiny “bald” spot.) Hey! Why do you have that bald spot?  
Smaug: Where?  
Bilbo: There!  
He stabs Smaug with the sword he found, Sting.  
Smaug: AAAUGH!  
Smaug dies.


	28. Ad: Wumbo Cat

Wumbo Cat  
Written by Hobbit4Lyfe  
Inspired by her sister  
Announcer: He’s big… He’s BLUE… He’s A CAT… He’s…  
WumboCat: (Singing.) Wumbo Cat, Wumbo Cat! Lookin’ cool in sombrero hats! Hockin’ hairballs at evil hombres! Here comes Wumbo Cat!  
Announcer: Wumbo Cat! The new cartoon based on the graphic novel series from writer Hobbit4Lyfe and Manga artist Hobbit4Lyfe's Sister premieres Saturday on Cartoon Network!


	29. Scene 20: Outside Rivendell... Again

Scene 20- Outside Rivendell… Again  
The return to Rivendell.  
Back outside Rivendell.  
Bilbo: Can we stay for longer than TWO MINUTES this time?  
Gandalf: Yes. We’ll stay for about three days.


	30. Scene 21: Leaving for the Shire

Scene 21- Leaving for the Shire  
Bilbo and the dwarves leave Rivendell. Three days later.  
The dwarves are in the Great Hall in Rivendell. Gandalf and Bilbo walk in. Elrond follows.  
Bilbo: So, why am I awake at 3 AM?  
Gandalf: You have to go home.  
Bilbo: AT 3 AM?!  
Elrond: Yes.


	31. Scene 22: Hobbit Auction

Scene 22- Hobbit Auction  
The return to Bag End. There is an auction going on.  
Auctioneer: OK, everyone. Time for the auction.  
Nobody pays attention.  
Auctioneer’s Assistant: PAY ATTENTION! THE AUCTIONEER SAYS IT’S TIME TO START!  
Everyone pays attention. Bilbo, Gandalf, and the dwarves walk in.  
Bilbo: What auction?  
Auctioneer and Assistant: The auction is now over. Please return all items to their original places.  
The Sackville–Bagginses, Lobelia, Otho, and Lotho, are shocked to see Bilbo back, since they want Bag End. All hobbits leave, except the auctioneers, the Sackville–Bagginses, and Bilbo.  
Lobelia: Oh no! Bilbo’s back!  
Otho: Now we can’t have Bag End!  
Lotho: No Bag End? Noooo! Say it isn’t so!  
They run off.  
Auctioneer: Is everything back where it’s supposed to be?  
Assistant: A few spoons are missing, but who really cares about a few spoons?  
Bilbo: ME! IT’S MY HOUSE AND MY STUFF!  
The auctioneers run off.  
Bilbo: Oh! I forgot everyone else was here! Sorry!  
Gandalf: Well, the dwarves have to go back to Dale to try to rebuild.  
Thorin: We do?  
Bilbo: You definitely should! It’s a mess inside that cave! By the way, Oin was right. It did seem faster coming home.  
Oin: Ha ha, Thorin! I was right!  
Thorin: We should go.  
Dwarves: Bye, Bilbo!  
They leave.  
Oin: Are we there yet?  
Thorin: Will someone put tape over Oin’s mouth?  
Gandalf: Well, it looks like this part of your journey is over.  
Bilbo: I guess so.  
Full cast: The End!


	32. Preview: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy  
Written by Megan McGuire  
Inspired by a Book by Douglas Adams  
Announcer: Have you ever wondered if there’s more to life?   
Arthur Dent: Of course! Especially on Thursdays.  
Announcer: Do you sometimes think that your friends act like they’re from another planet?  
Arthur: Yes. Especially Ford Prefect.  
Announcer: Meet Arthur Dent.  
Arthur: Hi.  
Announcer: Arthur Dent is an ordinary man from an ordinary town in England. On an ordinary day in this ordinary man’s life, something out of the ordinary is going to happen.  
Arthur: Oh really?  
Announcer: This ordinary man is going to find out that the world is going to blow up in about 12 minutes.  
Arthur: WHAT?! WHY?! WHY THE (BEEEEP)ING (BEEEP) IS IT GOING TO DO THAT?!  
Announcer: Tune in to our next radio show, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, to find out.  
Arthur: WAIT?! I DON’T WANT TO WAIT! TELL ME WHY THE (BEEEP)ING WORLD IS GOING TO (BEEEP)ING BLOW UP!


End file.
